Feb. 19, 2006
by Clockwork Carruthers
The acclaimed feats of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il were given to his people here. However, The U.N. has uncovered some lesser known items about Kim.
The Start
Kim Jong-Il was born head first. While usually the easiest and most conventional means of natural birth, it still proved to be difficult because his sickle was caught on his mother's labia minora.
Accomplished young man
At the age of 7, Kim surprised his parents during sex. His mother said "WHOA! Where did you learn that hot tongue action?"
The Artist
For five years, Kim Jung-Il studied painting with Bob Ross in Alaska (when Ross was in the Air Force). When he found out that Bob Ross was a regular contributor to the Gay Press, Kim became infuriated and threw a small vial of plutonium into Ross's chai tea latte. This incident caused Ross to develop lymphoma which he died of in 1995. Kim Jong-il is credited for naming the color that Ross's face turned while ingesting the plutonium...happy jaundice.
The engineer
Kim studied with minimalist architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe (Best known for inventing the term "less is more"). This only lasted a few weeks, because Kim found his works too complex and disunified. Kim was also displeased to learn that to erect the Juche Tower was a totally different concept than what his father taught him in the North Korean brothels.
The weather
Kim Jong-Il once told his people that every time a rainbow was over the North Korean sky, it meant that his deceased father (The Great leader Kim Il-song) was watching over them. He later changed his mind after seeing the rear bumper of Janet Reno's Saab.