by Clockwork Carruthers
July 18, 2006
SELKIRK, CANADA--On a bleak street corner in Selkirk, 60 miles north of Winnipeg, Manitoba, is where you'll find your model Americans, only they're not American.
Recently, the bums of Canada have been praised for being persistent through the cold weather and surviving, which we cannot say about ten percent of the American population. Mayor Doug Quimby once boldly claimed, "The homeless in Canada would have an easier time finding a job in America than a normal American would. This of course is due to their longtime exposure to torturous weather conditions and their bilinguality."
Mayor Quimby (far right), pledges that the bums of Canada will not go unnoticed in the rest of the world.
Chelsea Kuznetsova moved to Canada from Russia when she was a little girl in 1956. Fifty years have passed and she still hasn't found a job.
"It's stories like this that make me weep for Canadian jobless," spoke Quimby. "As a reward, we will export all of our homeless to America's more prosperous job market. With their tenacity, I think they won't have much trouble finding a full time job. Sounds pretty smart, eh?"
Chelsea Kuznetsova gathers her Cold War paraphernalia while earning much merited respect from passers by. Will she be the next one to greet us at Wal*Mart?