by Dillon Farnum
March 3, 2006
Youngest and most problem-free Lawrence Brother Andrew Lawrence, recently came out of the closet with a dark secret from his past. At a young age, he had molested Richard Simmons. Apparently young Lawrence had caused a public drunken scene back on January 12th (his 18th birthday) and had mentioned it amongst his ramblings saying such things like "we played hide the snake and peepee to bum games," and "he didn't want to but I was persistent."
Andrew was most likely the pitcher.
An Entertainment tonight interview of Richard Simmons conducted the day after this fiasco is when all of the shit hit the fan. Richard broke down admitting to everything, claiming that he "didn't know what was happening at the time." Richard claimed that during what Lawrence liked to call playtime U.S.A., he thought of "polkadots and moonbeams" to stop the hurting.
Richard breaks down in tears as he recounts the story.
We considered trying to get a few words from Andrew, or at least a "no comment" but we decided that he was too sick and venal to be worthy of quoting. Older brother Joey Lawrence was available for comment though, and exclaimed, "whoa!"
The Trial begins April 1st. What a jokebook. Andrew's court hearings will be the first-ever aired prime time on NBC. Prosecutors say that Andrew should be looking foward to at least an eight year sentence for molesting a quasi-celebrity if convicted.