by Dillon Farnum
June 30, 2006
Flexing their rock muscles with power chords and phrygian runs, the Gumbys have rocked the music scene for a nominal amount of months. Having been in hiding for the past ten years, the rock band has recently come out of their shells when backup vocalist and keyboard player Goo had filed grievances to local authorities.
"Gumby was out of control. He'd put so much acid in our Coca-Colas that we would actually think he was walking through walls. I'd spit out blue vomit from time to time and even believe I was flying. At the time, myself and the rest of the band didn't know how dangerous it all was. To us this was all part of our creative efforts, but Gumby slipped so far into debt that he forced me into prostitution. It was justified being for the good of the band, but not until recently have I realized how harmful it all was."
Goo went onto explaining that Gumby and Pokey had almost become involved with their supposed rivals, "The Blockheads" in selling hospice patients suicide. Upon interrogation, the Blockheads broke down in an incomprehensible unison...
"WHY DID THEY COME TO US TO DIE? WE DID GOD'S WORK! Oh Lord thou pluckest me out...burning Burning BURNING!!! Their beverages were lukewarm. Err did we not, for we had the magic acorn on our side. You all trust in your Pottery Barn and Starbucks. Do you NOT trust in science? You do NOT trust in anything, so for the rest of eternity you will watch the devil gnaw your flesh! o...o....BURNING!"
They then commited "duicide" trying to fit their square heads into the same round hole.