by Dillon Farnum
July 15, 2006
After intermediate success with the realease of the movie Pink Panther, Actor Steve Martin found some extra time on his hands and decided to sit down and have a chat with Underground Nincompoop gossip columnist Dillon Farnum.
SM: Could you get me a Vernor's?
DF: Yeah and here's some Nilla Wafers too. Anyways...As predicted, Pink Panther only had nominal success, leeching from the cross of a series of Peter Sellers classics. I'm sure you've had enough time to let this fact sink in...but just in case, now is your chance.
SM: ...(silence)...Finished. Yes it's difficult finding myself on the thresh hold of new ideas and concept movies, when what is garnering all of the success in Hollywood is Pixar. I'm really not looking for that kind of success though. That's now what Steve Martin is all about.
DF: Yes that brings me to my first question; how has being average developed you as an actor and as a person?
SM: It's not too bad. It has put me on a level playing field with plenty of people and ideas: Steven Wright, Hootie and the Blowfish, Jason Alexander, Epiphone Les Pauls, Topps baseball cards, Purgatory, people with humidifiers, Alanis Morisette's harmonica solos, and VCR's.
DF: VCR's meaning prehistoric?
SM: VCR meaning...
DF: When you hear someone say the name Steve Martin, what word comes to mind?
SM: Standard.
DF: I was thinking more along the lines of Vanilla, C+, or garden-variety.
SM: Yes I'm more like the reference section of a library. I really like the word banal.
DF: I like the word banal, too. What are your plans for the near future in order to keep yourself on an even playing field like you have been your entire career?
SM: I'll continue acting as bit parts in some run-of-the-mill movies that'll probably bring in a halfway decent profit.
DF: Good plan.
SM: Well I have to walk at a comfortable pace back to my Oldsmobile so I can pick up with my wife from the electrolysis office. Thanks for the Vernor's.
DF: Peace out. I guess the main theme of this conversation is to not set your expectations too high, because then all you are in for is disappointment.
Dillon Farnum has been a columnist for the Underground Nincompoop since it's humble beginnings and plans on continuing his pursuit of journalistic excellence until the day he dies. His heroes include Jesus, Cassius Clay, Ayn Rand, and Lebron James.