by Eugene Delacroix, Auto Zone Drone #034
Oct. 28, 2006
Damn it, boy! Get ready for church! I told you 30 minutes ago. Don't make me tell you again.
I gave your sister the belt last week for the same thing. And I don't mind pulling out the hickory stick on your ass. Maybe even the hickory belt. That's right. That's what I've been whittling in the shed this weekend. It'll take your hind to a whole new realm of whoop-ass.
Come on now. I don't wanna be all hard on ya. But this is church and its important cuz your momma says so, and its Hutchin's family time. Family time ain't always about county fairs, ya know. It's about doing the unfun stuff, too, like going to church, or cleaning mom'n'ems attic.
I tell you what. After Sunday school, we'll all go out to Popeye's. You can even get some extra pickles; your mom's been working some overtime at the cannery. Ya see? It ain't that bad.
Man, I wish I got to go to Sunday school...you don't even know what grown-up church is like. You got crafts and stories and snacks and neon-colored reading materials. You even get to have cool youth group names like "Komm-you-nion" and "Soul'd Out 4 Christ." I get to listen to Verna Myers sing hymns in that weird old lady opera voice. And then Asa Phelps comes up to us after service and tells bad "St. Peter at the Pearly Gates" jokes. Man, I wish I was 11 again...
Alright, alright. Let's go. Get a bowl of cereal in yourself and put on your dragon shirt and black jeans. Not the horseriding ones. The nice ones with the white stitching on the hems. Your representing the Hutchin's AND the Delacroix's, boy. Gotta look our best out there.