"Queen's bishop 4 to King's rook 8. It ain't that hard, son..."
by Johnny Guatemala
April 16, 2007
ST. LOUIS PARK, MN-- Brian "B-Lo" Fitzpatrick sports the clownishly worn baseball cap and undeserved sense of accomplishment one would expect from a complete wigger. But the 17-year-old actually has an ace up his sleeve, guaranteeing he won't work at the local car wash for the next seven years before graduating to aggressive mall kiosk cellphone salesman.
Fitzpatrick can ball. And by ball, we mean play chess really well.
"Queen's bishop 4 to King's rook 8. It ain't that hard, son..."
The son of tax accountant, Herbert, and dental hygienist, Nancy, can't grow the requisite pencil-thin beard sported by his breed. But he can employ a masterful Sicilian defense which stymies opponents, along with his signature trash talking. Just ask Hennepin County Freestyle Chess Tourney runner-up Jae-Kyun Moon, who was frazzled from Fitzpatrick's taunts about his short-sighted strategy and Dockers.
"Yeah, he's good. I'd like to play a timed game so he couldn't flap his mouth. I swear he pulled half those insults from the Wayans or New Jack City or something. When did he ever hang out in a ghetto? Sheesh. And why should he care that my mom irons pleats in my pants?" said Moon.Fitzpatrick denied Moon's challenge for a timed match, citing it would cramp his style. "You see, it's like, I'm very improvisational when I'm out there. You know what I'm saying? You can't confine me, Loc. You can't confine me. You know what I'm saying? That dude is a clown. I call him Slants. He gets mad cuz he thinks I'm goofing him for being Asian. But for real, yo, it's because his bishop play is so weak," said Fitzpatrick.
As for the future, Fitzpatrick plans to explore his options, including playing suckers for money, indicating he watches too many movies about people playing chess in a park anywhere besides New York City.
"I'm gonna straight-up hustle. Money, man, money. Suckers throw it down, I sweep it up. You feel me? You know what it's about. Money in my pocket. Get a haircut, shave. New clothes, go to the club. Ball it until 4 in the morning. Ain't nothing like it," he said.
Fitzpatrick's customized "RIMZ" chess set cost $500. He gladly pays such for a nice rim job.