by Johnny Guatemala
May 22, 2008
NEW YORK--Lunch time in the United Nations cafeteria can be every bit as cut-throat as its general sessions. Rumor has it that in 1990, a combination of detente, self-determination, and a crucial lunchtime trade with a Swedish diplomat prompted Lithuania to declare independence from the Soviet Union after their deputy ambassador spurned an offer for his Handi Snack crackers.
But instead of the expected frenzy of ambassadors and attaches after the lunch bell rang at 11:30 a.m. on Tuesday, onlookers were surprised to see an orderly procession, with Zimbabwe personnel at the forefront awaiting the special of the day, "Brunch for Lunch."
With a procedural motion approved by the General Assembly, each day of the week will feature a different lunch line theme in order to appease various member countries. Monday will be alphabetical order by country, followed by reverse alphabetical order on Tuesday. Wednesday will allow countries with active war zones first dibs, and Thursday will be Gross Domestic Product day, giving more powerful countries a turn. Friday's lunch line schedule remains undetermined, but is highly likely to harken back to the Wild West free-for-all it has traditionally been.
Reactions from diplomats were optimistic, but cautiously diplomatic.
Embattled Zimbabwe politician Morgan Tsvangirai, enjoying his French toast sticks after addressing the General Assembly, hailed the U.N.'s decision to civilize their cafeteria.
"Although my direct appeal for greater monitoring of the Zimbabwe election by the international community appears to have fallen on deaf ears amid diplomatic impotence, I am happy the U.N. is able to negotiate terms in their own lunchroom," he said.
Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon professed delight in the lunch room accord, but expressed reservations about potential abuses.
"The United States of America will have to be held to account. Suggesting that they go by 'America' on alphabetical order day and then going by 'United States' on reverse alphabetical order day is disingenuous and goes against the spirit of the accord," said Moon. "Also, several countries appear to be giving rebels too much of a foothold at home in a deliberate attempt to get front-line status on War Zone Wednesdays. Honestly, the falafels aren't THAT good."