Cathy Gives Breast Cancer

by Johnny Guatemala
June 30, 2007

ATLANTA-- Emory University researchers have concluded that the long-running comic strip, Cathy, has some potentially deadly side effects aside from those caused by celebrating the distorted perceptions of suburban adult women.

It turns out that Cathy may be responsible for elevated levels of certain types of cancer, including breast cancer. Reading the comic strip can cause a marked increase of estrogen to enter the bloodstream, according to endocrinologist Albert Mumph.

Doctor Mumph suggested that prolonged exposure to Cathy can cause spikes in estrogen levels, thereby causing malignant breast cancers most commonly found in menopausal women who have undergone estrogen hormone replacement therapies, a prescription that has been revoked by most doctors after results showed higher risks of breast and ovarian cancer.

"At this time, although there is no absolute direct link, I would advise all female patients, especially those within the target 35-65 reading age, to avoid reading Cathy, no matter how quaint and saucy her references may be," said Mumph.

The comic strip's author, Cathy Guisewhite, was not available for comment, although it is believed she is somewhere throwing her hands in the air frantically with sweat drops flying from her face, much like her comic strip character.

With her Brooklyn apartment featuring framed copies of Cathy and far too many throw pillows, New Yorker and frequent reader Margaret Fisher was overwhelmed by the news. "I don't know what to do. My family has a history of breast cancer and I don't want to chance it. But I love Cathy! How else will I get confirmation of the feelings I have about high school reunions and the appropriate month for planning a wedding?," said Fisher.

Fresh off his medical study, Dr. Mumph plans to go back into the laboratory to test the carcinogenic effects of other items of particular female interest in the affected 35-65 age range. Other objects to undergo scrutiny will include Precious Moment figurines, day spa-themed TV dinners and Dianne Keaton.

Nice job, you minutia-addled tart!