by Johnny Guatemala
July 29, 2007
EUGENE, OR--In a stunning moment of clarity, Eric Avery made the best decision in his relationship with now-ex-girlfriend Stephanie Nabisco: he let the cops arrest her and pressed charges for throwing his stuff out an apartment window.
Avery had previously spent the last eighteen months in a wild "on again, off again" relationship with Nabisco, which produced endless fighting over the directions their lives were taking, how they treated each others feelings dismissively, and how much money is appropriate to spend for a lunch at a sit-down restaurant.
The two met in a college bar and in an inexplicable flash of morality not present at their initial meeting, decided that their one-night stand needed to parlay into a relationship so as not to appear too trashy. After moving in together, the relationship began to go sour, according to their friends.
Marie Stevenson, Stephanie's friend from high school, and Joe Swiderski, Eric's friend from work, both noted that they seemed like a bad fit who liked to ignore one another.
"She would come over to my place sometimes and talk about how much she hated him sitting in front of the X-Box for three hours at a time or dragging her to flea markets. But she was really vicious about it. She stabbed my throw pillow with a Bic pen," said Stevenson.
Swiderski added, "One time Eric told her we were having a poker night a few days before it went down. Plenty of time to inform her. They didn't have any plans, so she said fine. Then Saturday rolls around and he's getting ready to go, and all of a sudden she wants to go out for a 'nice, quiet dinner' even though she's a dive-bar loudmouth. He reminded her about the game, and then she flipped and started accusing him of making their relationship bad. She went nuts and threw a lamp at him."
Stevenson and Swiderski later hooked up, what with their mutual interest in how bad their friends' relationship was and Stevenson's nice rack.
Avery and Nabisco, however, found little in common to keep their relationship afloat. When Avery asked Nabisco to come with him down to the corner laundromat to help him fold some clothes, she balked, saying most of the load was his. Avery countered by saying he put the load in the washer, and a good deal of it was hers as well. When she still refused, he stormed off, calling her a "conceited bitch" and pointed out she wasn't hot enough to act that spoiled and get away with it.
Upon returning with a laundry bag, Avery found Nabisco throwing his television, X-Box, and other belongings onto the pavement from their second-floor apartment and screaming that she "hated him and wanted him out of her life."
After viewing this irrational display that usually comes from a movie, Avery wised up and called the cops from a payphone. Nabisco was arrested for destruction of property and disturbing the peace. She also picked up a nice resisting arrest charge when she begged Avery to not press charges, then tried to dive at him while handcuffed after he refused to give in to her pleas. She is due to be arraigned in Common Pleas court on Monday at 9 a.m.
Where a picture of some girl throwing stuff out a window would go...