by Johnny Guatemala
Oct. 23, 2007
(picture withheld due to old person creepiness)
SAN ANTONIO--
With the death of 115-year-old Brazilian Jose Fau Pantos over the weekend, America retook the title for the world's oldest living man. The new titleholder is none other than Jacob "Earl" Treacher, 113, a former bricklayer and machinist who retired in 1967. The lifelong resident of San Marcos, Texas, was honored by Mayor Arnold Hornby and given a plaque in his retirement home, along with a congratulatory ham.
Treacher's reply assured that this article was not written in the sappy manner we all come to expect when journalism and the super-elderly cross paths. Treacher said, "What the fuck am I going to do with a ham? I can't eat this myself."
Indeed, the foul retort shed light on the fact Treacher didn't attain his age by the same stodgy standards of other supercentarians. He has never abstained from alcohol, unhealthy foods, smoking, or even risky sexual behavior, as Treacher was more than happy to point out in a rambling tirade that touched on finer points such as "his favorite mulatto cigars" and his self-proclaimed invention of the "Texas Snowplow," a deviant sexual maneuver involving used road salt and anal sex.
During his span on earth, Treacher has lived through 20 presidencies, and has outlived his wife and two sons. According to nurses at his retirement home, he takes a particular delight in outliving other residents, some more than 40 years his junior. "They have no resolve," he said about the subject.
When asked what his secret for longevity was, Treacher stayed true to form. "What do you care? Sticking your nose in other people's business. I don't ask you how you manage to look like some Dixieland sodomite, do I? I do what I want, and I'm the last one standing," he said.