by Johnny Guatemala
Feb. 06, 2007
Dear Black Guy,
Please don't call me sir. You're 52. It should be the other way around. Except for the fact that I don't like calling anyone sir or ma'am. Can't we just progress to the point where we deal as informally as possible with one another?
by Johnny Guatemala
Jan. 14, 2007
Dear Politicians,
Please stop looking like goofy fartboxes. I realize we're all born the way we are. We have to play with the hand we're dealt. Nonetheless, you manage to look quite creepy, and to add insult to injury, project it as the acceptable status quo for anyone seeking office.
by Johnny Guatemala
Dec. 15, 2006
Dear Girth-a,
It's quite obvious that you are not in anyway disabled or a senior citizen who is so advanced in years that you cannot walk more than a few steps without falling over.
by Johnny Guatemala
Dec. 7, 2006
CHICAGO-- Chicago native Ted Argent has developed a novel approach to breaking the self-absorption endemic to America, and he's starting one teenage subculture at a time. Next group: The Goths.
by Johnny Guatemala
Nov. 28, 2006
NEW ULM, MN-- Chinese restaurant aficionado and amateur numismatist Cheryl Argosian came upon a much sought-after North Dakota quarter while dining at the Steel Dragon on Thursday night.
by Johnny Guatemala
Nov. 12, 2006
RAPID CITY, S.D.-- Dylan Pringle, a 15-year-old South Dakota teen, thought his blog profile funny and innovative in its comic untruthfulness minutes after completing his Xanga registration.
by Johnny Guatemala
Sept. 15, 2006
Dude, do you know how awesome it is living in this century? You can get anywhere in the world and see just about anything with minimal effort. You can do all sorts of stuff. For example, today I got to destroy a bathroom, eat General Tso's chicken, and see a Kuwaiti dinar. Beat that, 14th century villager!
by Johnny Guatemala
Sept. 1, 2006
MINNETONKA MN-- Local music connossieur David Brantford was visibly irked by the presence of a hipster after that bastard swooped in on the record bin at The Exchange, grabbing a vinyl copy of Lou Reed's Transformer before Brantford could do anything about it.
by Johnny Guatemala
Aug. 22, 2006
ADDIS ABABA-- Rhas al-Sabu, Supreme Potentate of the Nether and Djinn Overlord of the Ethiopian Prinicipalities of Darkness, was kept from wreaking havoc on a tired and frightened populace by the legal machinations of the Assad, Mumtaz, Farouq & Eschelmann law firm.
by Johnny Guatemala
July 28, 2006
PITTSBURGH-- Fulfilling a monthly vow to celebrate the victory of the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl 40, local refrigeration thermometer calibrator Fred Lopez purposefully ingested a half-glass of Pepto-Bismol after a company picnic in order to make a concoction he affectionately labeled "Steeler Stool" in tribute.