by Ravi Shankar
Jan. 28, 2006
One day, young Pradeep Sivasvara met up with his friend, Vlad Klawkinski, behind a dumpster near their high school. It was the first time that young Pradeep, a tenth grader, had ever cut class. The two friends spoke for a short time before Vlad brandished what the DARE program likes to call a "doobie."
"This is the stickiest of icky, for shizzle," Vlad said, completely making an ass of himself and the white brethren that he and others like Justin Timberlake are sadly a part of.
Young Pradeep was hesitant. He had never done something like this before. Cut class and smoke weed? This was not proper at all. But then, a thought dawned upon young Pradeep, and he said something that he would regret for the rest of his life. "Well," young Pradeep remarked, "you only get to live once."
Out of nowhere, a flash of light shot through the sky, and winds started blowing like mad, and there, right in front of young Pradeep and Vlad was none other than a phone booth, but not just any phone booth, it was...
The phone booth from the animated version of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"! And, it was equipped with the cartoon version of Rufus, Bill, and Ted!
"What is this?" Vlad asked.
"Dude, we just came from a most bodacious place called Ancient India," Ted said.
"Yeah, we met two chicks named Kama and Sutra," Bill said.
Bill and Ted looked at each other, and then...*GUITAR RIFF!*
"What my young friends are trying to say," Rufus continued, "is that we just came from thousands of years ago to help you, young Pradeep."
"Why?" Pradeep asked.
"Well, you've made a vital error. The gods that you are born to, and that your parents pray to every day believe that you work towards something bigger and better--that indeed you do live more than once. When you made that comment now, we had to come down here, and point out your mistake otherwise the gods may turn you into a pesky housefly when you leave this world."
"Oh, thank you, Rufus," Pradeep responded. "I didn't even think about what I was saying. I turned my back on my proud Hindu heritage for just a second in the name of peer pressure from my friend Vlad!"
"Vlad?" Bill asked. "Dude, we totally met your ancestor a little while ago. Woah, we better not make you angry, or things will get most non-triumphant."
"Well, now that you've learned the errors of your ways, young Pradeep, it is time for us to go," Rufus said.
"Where to next, Ted?" Bill asked.
"How about Alaska, dude? I never actually went to that military school my dad wanted to put me in. How about we go there?"
"Or how about we go look down Missy's shirt again?"
*DOUBLE GUITAR RIFF!*
As they entered the phone booth to leave, Rufus said, "I have just one more thing to tell the two of you. It's something the great Abraham Lincoln once said."
"What's that?" Vlad and Pradeep asked.
"Be excellent to each other, and PARTY ON DUDES!" And then, the phone booth shot back up into space.
Vlad and Pradeep stood there for a moment, in shock, contemplating when the Mongols ruled China. "Man," Pradeep said, "if we're supposed to party on, how are we supposed to do that without this?" He pointed to the "doobie."
"I don't know," Vlad said. "but I'm no Hindu, so housefly here I come!" and he smoked the shit out of that one...in fact, he impaled it.