by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
March 30, 2008
PULLMAN, WA-- A Washington State University study in the recent edition of the Journal of American Research in Science (JARS) reports that the potato chip, Pringles, is now considered more addictive than tobacco. “We are conducting more tests on the matter as we speak,” said Dr. Elvis Wittenbaum, a WSU professor and head of the research group in charge of this study, “But we can deduce that various additives in Pringles have now led to increased addictive traits in consumers of the product.”
“We found that individuals who ate Pringles on a regular basis had cravings for it at every meal during the day and even as a snack. In addition, only 2% of the people were able to eat one Pringles potato chip and then stop and not eat or drink anything else. Most people had to have at least a few all the way up to a man who consumed two cans of Pringles Sour Cream and Onion chips in one sitting,” remarked Dr. Xiaomu Min, another Washington State researcher. “This kind of addiction can lead to similar health risks as in smoking. It could be even worse depending on the frequency at which someone eats the chips over the course of one day.”
Proctor & Gamble, the maker of Pringles, would not comment on the matter. However, a source close to its marketing wing stated, “For a long time, Proctor & Gamble has been putting a lot into making a quality, addictive potato chip. There’s a lot of money that’s gone into making that happen, let alone the whole marketing of the product to taunt the consumer with the slogan, ‘Once you pop, you can’t stop.’”
Former NFL quarterback Boomer Esiason, a former spokesperson for Lay’s potato chips heard about the new study and remarked, “I know that while I did Lay’s commercials, to get their ‘Betcha can’t eat just one Lay’s potato chip’ marketing slogan going, Frito-Lay was looking to make a very addictive chip. What progressed apparently was an early 1990s arms race for the additives to get people hooked on potato chips, and it seems Pringles has got it.”
Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino had nothing to say on the matter because he never appeared in a potato chip commercial and potato chips are not part of the Nutri-System meals sent to him in the mail.
Consumers had mixed feelings on the matter from some believing that the research is entirely inaccurate to others already feeling discriminated against for their love of Pringles.
Damon Underhill, 27, a Seattle gas station attendant, said, “I was in a small store eating from a can of Pringles, and I was asked to go outside and eat my Pringles because the crunching sound and risk of others wanting to eat Pringles was bothering another customer. Who knew that eating a potato chip would be an annoyance and a health risk for other people?”
Big tobacco was not interested in responding to the study, either.
“However, they have to be worried,” said Washington State business professor Dennis Lester, “With the growing hike in prices of cigarettes, people will turn to the simple $1.50 cans of Pringles to fuel their addictive personalities and general decline in health over the years. I think any person would be glad to trade lung cancer in for colon cancer for something that tastes better and saves about $3.50 each time it’s bought. Over the course of several years, that’ll save enough money to pay for the hospital bills.”
“The problems are endless,” said Dr. Wittenbaum, “The health risks, the possibilities for lawsuits, the list goes on and on. We’ve now found the new tobacco for the 21st Century, and its face has beady eyes and a giant moustache.”