by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
May 21, 2006
While investigators attempt to excavate the remains of former Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa near a home in Michigan, a source in Brazil is claiming a new theory behind the mystery of Hoffa--that Hoffa is actually alive and well-rested in the South American nation.
A middle-aged Brazilian native who only wishes to be known as Faustinho claims that he has seen numerous supposedly deceased celebrities in Brazil. "First of all," Faustinho says, "I only want to be known by my first name. Like all other Brazilian stars, I have no last name. I throw it away in the trash a long time ago."
When asked about which celebrities he has seen, Faustinho commented most specifically on Hoffa. "I have seen this Mr. Hoffa. He is very old. But, he talks of the unions and of the mob. He is quite fond of your New York Giants football team. He says when he dies, he wants to be buried under Giants Stadium, just like all the myths about him. He says crazy things. He is very fond of the Brazilian karate/dance known as capoeira. He would do it, but he cannot move his legs above a 25-degree angle from his waist."
If Faustinho's claims are true, Hoffa would currently be 93. Indeed, Faustinho had more shocking revelations. "I have seen Tupac, who the youth of America love so much. Yes, he is living here. How else could he have released so many albums since he died? It is no more 'California Love' for El Shakur, but rather 'Sao Paolo Amor.'"
When asked when America could expect Tupac's next album, Faustinho commented, "I see him rapping a lot. It must be soon. In fact, I think I saw him once with Mr. Hoffa. Perhaps Mr. Hoffa will be featured on one of the tracks on his next album."
Faustinho's celebrity sightings even went into the disturbing historical realm. "I saw the man the Germans call the Fuhrer. The rumors were true. Hitler and his lady friend somehow fled the bunker, and ended up here in Brazil. I saw him many times. He played pick-up games of football, or you Americans call it soccer, with many of the local schoolboys," he said.
"After the games, they would rob him. He would get robbed regularly each week. According to someone who lived close to him, he died in 1996 at 107 years old after watching the Summer Olympics in your city of Atlanta. My guess is that he wanted to die soon after the 60-year anniversary of him being a complete dick to Jesse Owens."
While many scholars across the world and even citizens of the very Brazilian cities that Faustinho claims to have seen these deceased celebrities in deny his notions, Faustinho is adamant.
"Why would I make this up? Why would I say I have seen Hoffa? I don't like unions. I don't even have a job, so I don't know what a union is. Why would I say I have seen Tupac? I do not like the rap music. The only sound I like to hear is: 'GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
"Why would I say I have seen Hitler? I do not like dictators, genocide, or Germans. I dislike Germans greatly. That's why it was excellent that we destroyed them in the 2002 World Cup. Now, we destroy their asnos again in their own country in 2006. Ole, ole, ole, ole!!!!!!!!!" he added.
Jimmy Hoffa, Tupac Shakur, and the Brazilian civilian servants and neighbors of Adolf Hitler could not be reached for comment.