by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
June 25, 2006
Russian oil tycoon Roman Abramovich has recently been caught in some technological tomfoolery in which he may be the middleman in a corruption scandal. The billionaire owner of English Premiership champion Chelsea's e-mail inbox included e-mails of the following vein. "Wanted: Face time with President Bush." "Suggested donation: $100,000." The middleman: lobbyist Roman Abramovich.
The glint in Abramovich's left eye mimics his corruption riches.
According to the alleged e-mails, the wealthy Abramovich was responsible for lobbying American Indian tribes and various political action groups to get face time with President George W. Bush. It is unclear how a Russian billionaire would be connected to United States politics, though some suggest Abramovich wanted to seek some sort of illegal activity and the Putin administration in Russia would just not suffice.
Abramovich's inbox contained other bizarre American connections including e-mail exchanges with Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, pornographic film star Jenna Jameson, and speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno. Some have suggested that these correspondences have occurred in connection with Chelsea.
In this offseason, Abramovich has already added German captain Michael Ballack from Bayern Munich, Ukranian striker Andriy Shevchenko from AC Milan. The club also has their eyes set on Brazilian back Roberto Carlos, part of the "Galacticos" at Real Madrid.
There is speculation that Abramovich has interest in turning Ohno, an unidentified, overpaid Dallas Maverick (most likely Keith Van Horn), and an unidentified porn star that is part of Jameson's production company into soccer stars.
Keith Van Horn is so white.
While Abramovich has been allegedly tied to these various corruption scandals, neither the American government nor the Russian Government nor the FA has taken any action against him. A source close to Abramovich stated, "You are confusing him with someone else. He's done nothing wrong. All of these e-mails are for pleasure, not for business or corruption. We're not interested in Keith Van Horn, but maybe DeSagana Diop. We're going to win our third straight Premiership title next year, and there's nothing you can do about it."