by Telemachus Gaffiganiakis
Aug. 4, 2006
John W. Scherer, the self-proclaimed “Video Professor” who you have most likely seen in advertisements at 2 A.M. while drunkenly watching Blind Date, will now be releasing a new CD-ROM and DVD to help out the computer illiterate. Advertisements for “How to Download Internet Porn for Free” will begin in September.
“I am excited about the opportunity to teach the people who have bought my software in the past on how to access Internet pornography for free. Recently, I listened to what my customers wanted and created my ‘How to Buy and Sell on eBay’ guide, and now I’ve listened to them again. It is astounding how many of them yearn for Internet pornography,” said Scherer.
Eugene Ewing, better known to the children in the neighborhood he lives in as “The Weird Old Man Who Gives Us Dimes on Halloween Rather Than Candy,” was enthusiastic about Scherer’s new release. “I spend so much of my retirement money on porn. I never really got the hang of the Internet, until the ‘Video Professor’ came along. And now, he’s come out with a handy guide on Internet porn. It’s great! I’m going to save so much money for my estate that will eventually be inherited by my ungrateful children."
Cindy Heenan, an expert in the computer software industry, was asked about the ramifications of Scherer’s new tutorial. Her response: “Who’s John W. Scherer?” When told it was the “Video Professor,” she responded, “Who’s the Video Professor?” When told that it was that bald guy with the moustache pushing his guides to everything about computers, she replied, “Oh, that guy! People buy his products?” Asked about the expected sales of Scherer’s “How to Download Internet Porn for Free” guide, Heenan claimed, “Well, he probably has sold five of all of his other CDs, so I have every expectation that since porn is involved, he will eclipse those figures.”
Adult video store owner “Dynamo” Damon Jacks said the move by Scherer was unfortunate. “It’s dastardly when you get involved in the flesh trade. The video professor might get a ruler up his ass from some of us in the industry if you know what I’m saying. The free stuff on the Internet is screwing us in so many styles. Sure, this is a billion dollar industry, but it’s guys like the Prof who are stopping it from being a trillion.”
Scherer will begin taping of his newest advertisements in his den within the next week. “I’m glad to tap into the porn industry,” said Scherer. “While I might look like a guy that watches a lot of porn, I don’t. Why are you laughing? I seriously don’t!”